Place all your bets and watch me lose

” The life that I got, but never used.
Dream every night that one will come true,
But only bad ones every do.”
               – “Out Through the Curtain,” The Hush Sound

   Sorry for the stall in posting. Things have been a little chaotic here. I started school up again to the exact same schedule as last time. I’m not really sure how it’s going to go, most of my classes seem to have taken a turn for the worse in regards to my classmates, with the exception of Photography II. There are a grand total of eight people in the class (as opposed to the 20-something in Photo I) and eight enlargers, meaning the darkroom is mine any day I want it. We’re also planning a trip to the nearest zoo! I’m just a tad bit excited. I haven’t been to the zoo in years! So, I am somewhat filled with childish glee, but on the other hand, things kind of suck.

For the first time in three weeks, I got word from my “boyfriend.” In short, he said something about “just being friends who love each other a lot,” seeing me as some kind of “goal to strive for,” not being good enough, and followed it up with “All my love, Your R—–.” Even though I was doubting it and considering doing it myself, it stung a lot more than I had been anticipating. Actually, not so much a sting as like someone had clawed a hole through part of my chest like it was paper and continued perpetually scratching it wider. I think this is a pretty good indication I still have feelings for him. I didn’t know how to cope, I couldn’t be openly sad, because I’m not supposed to be dating him to begin with and thus could not mourn the dumping, so instead I went to my “comfort zone.” I just went to sleep. I was anticipating maybe a half-hour nap and set my alarm for just that, but when I woke up, the hole was still there, so I rolled over and closed my eyes again… and again… and again… for nearly three and a half hours. The hole didn’t get any smaller, but at least it wasn’t growing so fast when I woke up, and my body felt better for it. I spent some time with my best friend, the only one who really knows and knows about R—, trying to cheer myself up, but it didn’t quite work. Not that I could let her know that. We went out to dinner the next day, as well, with her fiance. If anything can shred at that nagging hole, it’s a happy couple. They didn’t do anything so particular… hugging, a couple kisses, a light hand over hers, a glance exchanged for just a second that speaks volumes… It’s beautiful, between them. Normally I can sit back and smile and admire it like it were one of the finest masterpieces sculpted in the world, but last night it just made the empty seat beside me painstakingly prevelant. Fortunately, our waitress was an extra-inattentive, anal icequeen, so I could distract myself by critiquing her and building “Monuments to Thirst” (as N— (best friend’s fiance) put it) from all the empty cups at our table.

Another complication spurs from a guy we shall merely refer to as “Puppy.” Technically, I lost the right to call him that a while back, but we need to keep things simple. I called him that for a number of reasons – he fishes for attention, whines and paws when he doesn’t get it, obeys for treats, and furthermore reminds me vaguely of Neil Gaiman’s character Shadow from American Gods who goes by the same nickname. Anyway, Puppy lives up North and West of me by a handful of states. Met him over my game and he got rather obsessed with me. I didn’t want to be mean, he was a sweet guy, but I was kind of going gaga over R—. Still, my niceness must have “lead him on” and when he found out I didn’t have the feelings for him he wanted, he exploded, said a lot of the cruelest things I’ve ever heard in my life, and we couldn’t speak civilly for weeks. Not sure why, but just recently we’ve been able to talk again. Probably a dumb move on my part, but he distracts me from numerous unpleasant things. Tragically, he’s up to his old tricks again, and I’m not sure how clear I can be that he still stands relatively no chance. The long distance thing is clearly harder than I had thought, and I’m not sure I ever want to try it again.

On a less melodramatic note, I’m having some story issues. Got an idea for a new one, trying to get some work on it, but I cannot seem to come up with adequate names for some of my characters or a motive for the killer. Taking a crack at a vampire/werewolf story that hopefully will not be cliche. Anyway, I have two very Nordic-looking twin girls who need names, the killer (relative young, handsome, righteous) needs a name, as does another boy of no distinct origin. The killer has lately escaped from prison and is after people again – perhaps for “revenge” or something – he is not the bad guy. Anyway, he needs a motive. Is he avenging someone? Who? Why? What else could he be doing this for?

I know that’s really vague, but if you can come up with anything, I’d really extra appreciate it.